Premarital & Wedding Relationship Advice
Dr.
Marion Russo, clinical therapist, answers your relationship and
premarital questions. See bottom of box for instructions on how
to submit questions. For information on premarital and marriage
counseling, click
here. To
schedule a premarital or relationship counseling appointment,
please call our office at 732-356-0101.
My fiance and I are getting married in 4 months and I think I officially
have the jitters.
I am handling all of the wedding planning and house
hunting and I am feeling very pressured and stressed and alone. I thought
that this should all be something that we do together. I can not rely on
him to do anything and all we do is argue. I am nervous to think what our
marriage will be like, if I am the one in charge of doing everthing and
getting everythig done. He says he will do something and then 2 months
later, nothing is done. I feel as if I am taking care of him and everything
else, what about me?
Anonymous
First of all, Congratulations to you on your forthcoming wedding. Pre-wedding jitters and higher
levels of stress are natural during this wonderful and exciting time for you and your fiance. There
is a lot involved with planning your special day-everything from the flowers to the reception
require your attention. There are several articles on our website that you may find helpful in
managing the stressors associated with wedding planning. In your case, you not only have
the wedding stressors, but also the house hunting anxieties!
Often, we feel overwhelmed when we think about "everything that has to be done." Everything
doesn't have to be done at once, and if you are feeling overwhelmed, it is possible that your
fiance is too. I noticed that you said "this should all be something that we do together" when you
mentioned wedding planning and house hunting. Whenever we use the term "should" we
immediately set ourselves up for dissappointment--particularly when it involves others. If we feel
something "should" happen, and it doesn't, we are angry and dissappointed. No doubt, it would be
nice if you could do those things together, but perhaps your fiance does not share your view. You
mentioned that you and your fiance are arguing all the time. Rather than continue in this unproductive
and painful cycle, try to do something different--take turns listening to each other--find out what his goals
are for the wedding and the new home. Ask him to assume part of the responsibility for meeting your
shared goals.
Whether planning a wedding, shopping for a new home, or caring for others, we must always take care of ourselves.
If you feel that assuming responsibility for the wedding planning and house hunting is too much than perhaps it is time to
reconsider. If your fiance shares your goals, but still does not share the responsibility for them you may need to change
your expectations and either have others help you or focus on the wedding for now, the house later. You may find individual
and/or couples therapy very helpful to work through the relationship issues that are surfacing.
Dr. Marion
Is this relationship
worth saving or should I cut my losses?
My boyfriend and I have been back together for a year and a half. We have 2
kids together ages 5 and 7. We were tog! ether about 8 years ago
but not in a real serious way. We were not together for about
5 years, which I raised the boys by myself at this time. We have
been living together for the last year. My boyfriend does not
want to get married at all he says we fight to much and he doesn't
want to. We have major purchases together like brand new vehicles
and have been considering purchasing a home together. I said no
to any more purchases until a marriage proposal happens, but his
response was we fight to much we do fight but I think it could
be worked out. It is important for me to keep my family in tact,
but I'm 30 years old and he's 35 and neither of us have ever been
married and I think it's time is this relationship worth saving
or should I cut my losses?
Anonymous
I think it is important that you are thinking of setting boundaries
or deadlines and I think it would be most helpful for you to set
a limit or deadline for yourself, rather than for him. Decide
how much longer you would be willing to stay in the relationship
if you do not marry. Would you marry him if the problems you are
having (arguing, for example), continue as they are now? It sounds
as if you have some unresolved anger about the 5 years you spent
raising your children without him. I am not sure what you are
fighting about, but agree that a marriage should not happen until
some things have been resolved or a peaceful understanding has
been reached.
I cannot say whether or not you should stay or "cut your
losses." Do you love each other? What are the positives and
what are the negatives in the relationship? Can you foresee working
out or accepting the negatives? I understand that you feel you
can work things out with him, but does he feel the same? If you
stay together or break up, through your children you will probably
have some contact, and for the sake of all involved, having peaceful
communications is the most healthy choice.
Take some time to think over the relationship and be very honest
with yourself. If you are always arguing it is important for one
of you to take a different approach and break this unproductive
cycle. If you choose to work through the problems of the relationship,
I recommend getting some professional help.
Dr. Marion
My mother-in-law is insisting that she wear a white dress to my wedding
which is in July. How can I tactfully tell her that I should be the one
wearing white?
Sharon M. , Patterson, NJ
Hi Sharon,
I think you have several options here. One, you can be honest with her and calmly tell her how you feel about the situation and ask her to wear a different color dress. Another would be to allow her to wear what she chooses and let it go. I wondered if you have asked her why she feels so strongly about wearing white to your wedding. If you do talk with her about it, keep in mind that we cannot control what others do and she may still choose to wear white. I think communicating with her about how you feel and listening to why she is "insisting" to wear white will help.
My fiancee and I have been living together for 2 years now, we are
supposed to get married in 6 months. I'm realizing that I still love my old
boyfriend, but I don't know what to do at this point. I do love my fiancee
but it's more of a "friend" type of love and things are moving so quickly
for my wedding. I'm just afraid to call it off because so much time & money
has been spent. I also don't know if my old boyfriend would take me back.
What should I do?
Lisa F., Bridgewater, NJ
Hi Lisa,
I think it is important for you to be honest with yourself. While it is true that time and money have
been spent planning your wedding, aren't you going to pay a higher price emotionally for going
through with a wedding to someone you aren't in love with? Whether or not your old boyfriend loves you and
will take you back is a separate issue. You have to resolve the present relationship issues before entering into
another with anyone else. You will not only be hurting your fiance, but also yourself if you choose to go through
with the wedding at this point.
I have been married for 3 years. I love my husband very much but he does
not equally share in the responsibities. We have 2 children ages 1 and 2,
and we both work full time. I am expected to take care of the children, the
home, the meals, the shopping, the laundry. I've often told my husband that
I need help, he says to just ask, but then doesn't help. What can I do?
MaryAnn G., Clinton, NJ
Hi MaryAnn
I think this is a good time to talk with your husband about how you feel. Before you had children, it may have
been easier to do the bulk of household chores yourself, but with two young children things have changed.
Let him know that you need help with running the household on a daily basis. It may be useful if you ask him to
help with specific tasks (for example, vacuuming the family room). It sounds as if you have a lot on your plate to
deal with and it is possible that he is unaware of how much it is you actually do. Ask him for suggestions on how the two of
you can together manage your responsibities.
TO
SUBMIT QUESTIONS:
Submit your questions to: relationships@yourweddingyourway.com
NOTE: Not all questions will be posted to the website;
personal responses will not be provided. When posting your question,
we will put your first name and the first letter of your last
name. If you would prefer that we don't include your name, let
us know and we will use "anonymous" instead. Responses
may take up to 2 weeks.
To schedule
a premarital or relationship counseling appointment, please call
our office at 732-356-0101.
|
